I Spent My Whole Life Looking for Him

A Testimony of Mary Ann Nguyen

September 23, 2001

I spent my whole life looking for Him – only, I didn’t know it.

I grew up in a nonChristian family with parents who, though loving and giving, did not have the answers to the purpose of life nor could they understand the very lucid ache I felt inside for something more to live for and die for. Looking back, I feel that I had been searching for answers all my life. I began wondering about the meaning of life in third grade but didn’t find my answers until many years later.

Through the years of growing up, I investigated all the alternatives offered me by the world: evolution, various religions such as Buddhism and Mormonism, relationships, romance, popularity (though I never attained that!), academics, friendships. I tried it all. But by the time I got close to the end of my high school years, I discovered that as well as I did in the things that I aspired in my life and as many loving friendships as I had around me, I could never escape the fact that whenever I would leave all the crowds, fun and activity, I was forced to come face-to-face with the unbearable Silence. There was an unexplainable emptiness that continually haunted me. I couldn’t understand what it was or where it came from, but I knew that with all the great things going in my life, there was still something terribly missing.

I had been caught up in living by the world’s standards but found over and over again that I couldn’t meet up to it. It felt suffocating, disheartening and discouraging. As much as I tried to keep up with trends, dabbling in make-up, going to dances, obsessing over boys, searching for a relationship, talking, walking and thinking in a certain way, I could never get it just right. I worked diligently to excel in my schoolwork, and I did, for the most part, yet there was always a higher mark to get and always someone better than me. People were fickle, unkind and selfish. Changes in all areas of life happened quickly, and all things, no matter how carefully guarded or how expensive the cost, seemed so fragile and destined for destruction. Meaningless, meaningless! Everything seemed so meaningless! Nothing I tried to fill my heart with seemed to complete me.

And then I found Him.

I met Jesus through a gospel tract first, and I got to know Him through a wonderful book called the Bible. It is His breath, a revelation of the heart and mind of Christ, a personal and intimate glimpse into the very character of the Creator of Heaven and earth… and me. It was through the Bible that I felt like I had found what I had been looking for my whole life. To my surprise, I discovered that while I had been desperately searching for love in all the wrong places, the God of the universe had been pursuing after me all this time with a deep, deep wondrous love that would’ve been impossible for me to conceive of! It is true what they say that He is the greatest Lover of the whole universe. He will chase after you and not relent until He has you in His arms. He will do that for you just as He did that for me.

I had spent my whole life looking for Him. And when I "found" Him, I was so relieved, so happy, so satisfied that I determined that I would cling to Him all the days of my life and never, ever let Him go. Not only that, but I decided that I would never do anything that would bring dishonor to His name. I determined to live by whatever He told me to do – because apparently, He knows all things. I determined, also, to never be one who is guilty of saying that I would follow Him with my mouth and yet not follow through with my heart, my hands, my feet, my life. That was my decision. That’s what it meant to me to get to belong to Him. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I willfully decided to give my heart and life away. There was nothing that would ever nor could ever stand in my way. I had finally found what I had been tiring myself out all my life searching for. The search was such an exhausting ordeal, but the finding was such an overwhelming relief. Jesus Christ is the exact fit for every empty, aching, longing heart. In Him, I was set free from purposelessness and given a reason to live and a reason to die. There is rest and peace – I want to testify! to proclaim! – in Jesus Christ, who is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His Being.


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Created Sept 24, 2001
A Lil' Ladybug Production :)
Copyright Mary Ann Nguyen